• I’d like to make note of an apology fragment that appeared in one of Joe Paterno’s statements.  Did you catch it?  Against the likely advice of attorneys, he said this regarding his handling of the abuse of minors by one of his assistant coaches:  “I wish I had done more.”  Paterno’s quote falls under our second language of apology (out of five apology languages):  Accepting Responsibility.  This language of apology involves stating wrongdoing without making excuses.  Paterno, other coaches, his superiors, board members of the Second Mile charity, possibly the police, and others also should have “done more.”  Paterno’s statement rings true.  Will others go farther in accepting responsibility?  May truth and decency regain their footing in State College, PA.
• The children who have survived abuse are the most important people in this mess.  I don’t call them “victims” because my experience as a therapist who treat sexual abuse tells me this: survivors are carrying on and showing strength each day.  Lets not lose the human stories in the midst of this sports story.
• I can only imagine how embarrassed the fine students/faculty/alumni of Penn State and residents of State College may be feeling.  They didn’t ask to have an enormous scandal tied to their beloved school.  I had a front row seat on this phenomenon when there was a terrible shooting at Virginia Tech.  As you may recall, the news networks dubbed the story: “Massacre at Virginia Tech.” My husband’s father was an engineering professor at Virginia Tech and husband graduated from Blacksburg High School.  Having the story sensationalized in red letters added to his sadness, as I imagine it does to those who love Penn State and who worry about its strong reputation.

WHAT HE SAID:

  Before his sentencing, Sowell offered this apology to the families of his many victims:

“Well, the only thing I want to say is, I’m sorry”

“I know that might not sound like much, but I truly am sorry from the bottom of my heart.”

“I don’t know what happened, it’s not typical of me,” Sowell had said. “I can’t explain it and I know it’s not a lot, but it’s all I can give.”

WHAT I SAY: Here are the Five Languages of Apologythat Gary Chapman and I developed based upon research for our (2006) book by the same title.

1. Expressing regret- Saying “I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused”

2. Accepting responsibility- Saying “I was wrong.”

3. Making restitution- Asking, “What can I do to make things right?

4. Genuinely repenting- Stating that you will try not to do it again.

5. Requesting forgiveness- Asking, “Will you please forgive me?”

In his apology, Mr. Sowell used only the first language of apology (expressing regret).  Based upon our research, he would have missed the mark for 72% of the public with these statements of regret.  I gave him only half a star because he did not name what he did that he is “sorry” about.

When he said, “I don’t know what happened,” he failed to accept responsibility for his actions (Apology language #2).  His actions did not just “happen”; he committed the heinous crimes.  During my doctoral internship, I worked with patients in a state hospital who had criminal charges and were pleading insanity.  Too many of our patients made the same mistake of saying that things “just happened.”

NEWS UPDATE:

The prosecution wasn’t allowed to cross-examine Sowell, leaving unspoken the question of why he killed the victims and attacked three other women who survived and testified against him.

Anthony Sowell should die by lethal injection for his crimes, Judge Dick Ambrose ruled, accepting the sentencing recommendation of the jury that convicted Sowell of aggravated murder. There was applause in the courtroom after the sentencing recommendations were read.

Media Inquiries for J. Thomas:  336-254-4325

Wikipedia provides this bio:

Anthony David Weiner (born September 4, 1964) is the U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th congressional district. Weiner is a Democrat, and has held the office since 1999. He was first elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in the 1998 mid-term elections. He was re-elected handily for six additional terms, receiving 59 percent of the vote in 2010.  He was an unsuccessful candidate for Mayor of New York City in the 2005 election.

In June 2011, after having first denied doing so, Weiner admitted having sent sexually explicit photographs of himself to several women “followers” on Twitter, both before and since his marriage a year ago. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi called for an ethics investigation.  On June 9, a NY1-Marist Poll showed that 56% of registered voters in Weiner’s Congressional District wanted him to stay in Congress, and 33% thought he should resign.  On June 11, Pelosi and DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz called for Weiner’s resignation.  

Weiner’s Statements and My Thoughts:

Below, I’ll analyze Weiner’s public apology from 6/7/2011 using the five languages of apology from my book with Gary Chapman by the same title.  Here is a numbered list of our apology languages.  Within Weiner’s apology text, I’ll reference these numbers in parentheses after his comments:

1.           Expressing Regret: “I am sorry”
2.           Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong”
3.           Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
4.           Genuinely Repenting: “I’ll try not to do that again”
5.           Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

Weiner said:

I would like to take this time to clear up some of the questions that have been raised over the past ten days or so. I take full responsibility for my actions. At the outset, I would like to make it clear that I have made terrible mistakes (2).

I have hurt the people I care about the most and I am deeply sorry (1). I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friend and supporters and the media (2).

Last Friday night I tweeted a photo of myself that I intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in Seattle.

Once I realized that I had posted it to Twitter I panicked, I took it down and I said that I had been hacked. I then continued with that story, to stick to that story, which was a hugely regrettable mistake (1, 2).

This woman was unwittingly dragged into this and bears absolutely no responsibility (2). I am so sorry to have disrupted her life in this way (1). To be clear, the picture was of me and I sent it (2).

I am deeply sorry for the pain this has caused my wife Huma, and my family, and my constituents, my friends, supporters and staff (1).
In addition over the past few years I have engaged in several inappropriate conversations conducted over Twitter, Facebook, email and occasionally on the phone with women I had met online.

I have exchanged messages and photos of an explicit nature with about six women over the past three years.

For the most part these communications took place before my marriage, although some sadly took place after (2).

I have never met any of these women, or ever had physical relationships of any kind.

I haven’t told the truth, (breaks down) I have done things that I deeply regret (1,2). I brought pain to people I care about the most, to people dear to me, and for that I am deeply sorry (1).

I apologize to my wife and our families, as well as to our friends and supporters. I am deeply ashamed of my terrible judgment and actions (1,2).

My analysis:  

Weiner only covered two of the five languages of apology in his statement.  At that time, he did not offer any amends or a plan to change his behavior.  He did not make a request for forgiveness.  Five days later, he announced that he will enter rehab.  This is a good step towards cleaning up his act and, perhaps, his reputation.

Bonus Material:

Weiner has not admitted to having an affair.  Has he “cheated”?   My late colleague Dr. Shirley Glass (she’s the mother of NPR’s Ira Glass) wrote about the power of both emotional affairs and sexual affairs.  Weiner has not done some damage to the emotional trust in his marriage; he has set off an atomic bomb in his home.  

MSNBC reports that last weekend, Weiner ran some personal errands near his home in the New York City borough of Queens during the morning, and said he was looking forward to getting back to work quickly.  Weiner told reporters:

“I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve acknowledged it. I’m trying to make it up to my wife and my family,” he said. “I’m working hard to get back to normal.”

When I heard the above quote, I groaned.  The word “some” in the first sentence grabbed my attention and would not let me go.  A man who is in the center of such a huge scandal should not use that word.  All of us make SOME mistakes, but if the President of the United States is saying that he would resign if he were in your shoes (as Obama said on Monday), Weiner’s comment is far too minimizing.  Weiner has made enormous, repeated mistakes.  He has lost the trust of many.  Why did/does he make such choices?

Weiner’s 39-year-old brother Seth was killed in a hit and run pedestrian/car accident on May 20th, 2000 (Weiner also has a younger brother, Jason).  As a psychologist, I see Weiner’s compulsive sexual actions as possibly being triggered by the pain of this loss.  Pain creates a desire to escape and we know that sex is a common refuge (along with drugs and alcohol).  When did Weiner get in trouble for his growing online flirtations?  He made his Twitter photo mistake in May, the same month of the year in which he lost his brother in the blink of an eye eleven years ago.  I’m surprised that, to date, this issue of grief has not been raised by the mainstream media.  Anyone who has lost a loved one deserves compassion.  However, this is no excuse for lying and cheating.  Many say that Weiner no longer deserves his respected position in Congress.  Will he come to that painful realization this week?

What are your thoughts?

What are your thoughts on forgiveness?

Getty Images

Chris Brown appeared on Good Morning America this week to promote his new album, which has rocketed to the top of the charts.  Apparently, he was angered by questions about his assault case with former girlfriend Rihanna.  He became destructive and broke a window in his dressing room following his appearance on the television show.  He did not apologize for his tantrum that day or the next day.  A full two days later,  the controversial R&B star delivered this semi-apology on BET’s ’106 & Park‘:

”First of all, I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, or anybody who was offended or really looked and [was] disappointed at my actions. Because I’m disappointed in the way I acted … Yes, I got very emotional. And I apologize for acting like that.”

…

”A lot of people don’t know what went down, and obviously when I do shows or when I do interviews, we always send out a talking point sheet … As the interview proceeded, it was kinda thrown off. I was thrown off by it. I felt like they told us this just so they could get us on the show so they can exploit me, that’s what I thought. So, I took it very, very hard.”

he noted that he didn’t harm anyone physically — and didn’t try to either.

…

“I kind of kept my composure throughout the whole interview. Although you could see me upset, I kept my composure, did my performance,” Brown said. “When I got back I just let out steam in the back.… I just wanted to release the anger that I had inside me because I felt that I worked so hard for this music and I felt like people kept just trying to take it away from me.“

My Analysis: Brown started off on the right foot by apologizing for his actions.  He should have stopped there.  The remainder of him comments reflect excuses, blaming, defensiveness and bad psychology.  As a therapist, I would challenge a client who might defend violence as “needing to blow off steam.”  Anger management involves learning to calm down rather than escalating.  I hope that this man will get more help before he destroys other people and places.

CLICK HERE to listen to an in-depth radio chat with Gary Chapman.  Skip to minute 11 to hear about forgiveness.  Here is a description of the whole interview:

Saying, “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough sometimes when you’ve hurt someone.  Bestselling Author Dr. Gary Chapman will explain the five fundamental aspects or “languages” of an apology and how understanding your own primary apology language can lead to deeper, more powerful healing and enrich all your relationships.

In the interview, Gary Chapman has surprised some by saying this:

“I think we have a lot of fuzzy thinking about forgiveness in the Christian church.  My answer to the question, “Do you forgive someone before they have apologized to you or not?” is… “What does God do?” 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. God asks us to acknowledge/confess/agree about our sin. We call this an apology but the Biblical word is confession…    Ephesians 4 says that we are to forgive others in the same way that God forgives us. God forgives in response to confession and repentance… Forgiveness is the Christian response to an honest apology… In order for us not to be caught in a prison of unforgiveness/bitterness, we should engage in “releasing” those who are unapologetic.”

CLICK HERE to listen to my online interview.  The segment begins with the issue of dealing with unrepentant people.   Here is a brief description of the interview:

Learn the 5 “languages” of apology and how to experience healing in your relationships! (Jennifer Thomas)…plus insights on how a wife can resolve differences with her husband over running late!

What are your thoughts about forgiveness?

“I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place. I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.”

Next,  400 fans were denied the auxiliary seating they had been promised.  The Huffington Post has an apt name for this episode:  “Seat-gate”.   The NFL quickly apologized, making no excuses, and offered this restitution:  triple the face value of their tickets.  Many of the fans were not appeased by this offer.  Many had paid more than face value for the tickets and because the back-up plan was unacceptable.  The unseated fans were taken into rooms that had TVs no larger than one would see in a sports bar.  In the midst of the continuing outcry, the NFL increased its restitution with this offer:  NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would invite those fans to next year’s Super Bowl.

While any offer is a step in the right direction, did the NFL acknowledge an obvious flaw in the value of this offer of amends?  Those fans know quite well that it’s unlikely for their team to make an appearance in next year’s Superbowl.  Sadly, special experiences often can’t be replaced.  I’ll bet commissioner Goodell has quite a headache today.  I wouldn’t want to have his job. Your thoughts?

The best public apology of the year was the highly-scripted, 13-minute apology by Tiger Woods.    My analysis of his discourse is here. The apology by Woods earned 4.5 out of 5 stars on my apology rating scale.  Two caveats:  First, while his “technical score” is quite high, his “artistic score” would be lower due to his formal, glum delivery.  Second, we don’t know who created the text of Woods’ apology.  His high score probably reflects the work of a public relations team that includes another apology expert.  An aside: Kudos to Elin (Tiger’s ex-wife) who did not stand beside him during his apology.  He violated her trust and she should not have been called upon to support him so soon after his numerous offenses.  The choice was hers and I understood her choice.

I’ve got a tie for the worst apology of 2010:  The Citigroup CEO’s apology for the financial crisis and the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team’s apology for their over-the-top revelry following their gold medal victory. Each of these apologies scored only 1 (out of a possible 5) in my analysis.

May 2011 be marked by sincere apologies.  I predict that we’ll have a few stinkers, too.  Apology analysis is a growth industry.

“I’m Very, Very, Very Sorry…Really? We Apologize More to Strangers Than to Family, and Why Women Ask for Forgiveness More Than Men.”

Illustrations by Serge Bloch