Does Forgiveness Require an Apology?

Gary Chapman and I have both talked about issues of forgiveness in radio interviews this month.  Many assume that forgiveness has no qualifiers so our analysis of Bible passages about forgiveness may be surprising.  I thought my readers might like to hear what we are saying on this topic.

CLICK HERE to listen to an in-depth radio chat with Gary Chapman.  Skip to minute 11 to hear about forgiveness.  Here is a description of the whole interview:

Saying, “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough sometimes when you’ve hurt someone.  Bestselling Author Dr. Gary Chapman will explain the five fundamental aspects or “languages” of an apology and how understanding your own primary apology language can lead to deeper, more powerful healing and enrich all your relationships.

In the interview, Gary Chapman has surprised some by saying this:

“I think we have a lot of fuzzy thinking about forgiveness in the Christian church.  My answer to the question, “Do you forgive someone before they have apologized to you or not?” is… “What does God do?” 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. God asks us to acknowledge/confess/agree about our sin. We call this an apology but the Biblical word is confession…    Ephesians 4 says that we are to forgive others in the same way that God forgives us. God forgives in response to confession and repentance… Forgiveness is the Christian response to an honest apology… In order for us not to be caught in a prison of unforgiveness/bitterness, we should engage in “releasing” those who are unapologetic.”

 

CLICK HERE to listen to my online interview.  The segment begins with the issue of dealing with unrepentant people.   Here is a brief description of the interview:

Learn the 5 “languages” of apology and how to experience healing in your relationships! (Jennifer Thomas)…plus insights on how a wife can resolve differences with her husband over running late!

What are your thoughts about forgiveness?

Gary Chapman at the Smart Marriages Conference

Check out this new article about apologies from Gary Chapman’s recent live interview.

Governor Sanford of S.C.

My co-author, Gary Chapman was quoted in this S.C. newspaper article. Good point!

Newport News, VA Article About Apologies

I like this article very much- especially because she references my book with Gary Chapman, The Five Languages of Apology. 

Link: My Radio Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman

Our session on Focus on the Family’s International daily radio broadcast “Restoring Relationships and Finding Forgiveness”:

Part 1

Part 2

Enjoy!

www.5languages.com

About this blog

I’d like to say a word of greeting to those of you who are visiting from The Peacemaker.  Welcome!

Our book

Gary Chapman is well known as the ‘love languages guy’.  His New York Times bestselling book, The Five Love Languages, has become a classic in the field of relationships.   In 2006, Gary Chapman and I released The Five Languages of Apology, which illuminates the steps for removing barriers in any relationship.  Our book is not a marriage book.  You might want to hop over to my website (www.drjenthomas.com) for a list of our book chapters, which include “Apologies in the Workplace” and “Teaching Children to Apologize.”

We believe that The Five Love Languages and The Five Languages of Apology fit together like a hand in a glove.  Both concepts embody ‘vital statistics’ for making relationships work.  Today, most engaged couples know that they need to learn each others’ love languages.  Yet they will not be fully equipped for their journey without the matching insight: their languages of apology.  Whether in love relationships, friendships, or the workplace, love languages and apology languages are practical relationship tools for cementing your relationships.

In this blog, you’ll find posts about these two essentials:  love (or, more correctly, ‘appreciation’ in the workplace) and healing offenses.

The Forgiveness Service

My most popular post concerned my former pastor who recently made a startling apology.  I’ve titled that series of May posts “An Unprecedented Public Apology.”

If you’d like to receive updates on Facebook about my activities and events related to Gary Chapman, you can join our new fan group.

My co-author, Dr. Gary Chapman

Dr. Jen Thomas

The Five Love Languages 6th in a list of 12 eco-friendly Valentine’s Day tips

I was pleased to see that my co-author, Gary Chapman, earned this spot in a creative new article by the Canadian News Service:

A dozen eco-friendly ways to express your affection

By Denise Ryan, Times Colonist

#6  Time and talent: Affirm your commitment by spending a weekend giving service (yes, that’s one of the five love languages, according to author Dr. Gary Chapman.) Pamper your mate, draw his/her baths, cook for him/her, massage his/her feet and do chores. All those things you’re good at that he or she has had on the list — painting, fixing, cooking, planting, rearranging, hanging, hammering, nailing, rewiring, fixing, changing — add in some things only you can do (those perfect crepes, mojitos, grilled organic filets) and a little wine and a homemade card and you’re good to go.

Upcoming Conference in Orlando: Keynote by Gary Chapman

Marriage experts from around the world are headed to Orlando in July.  My co-author will be there presenting a Keynote address on our book.  All of the presentations will be top-notch.

http://smartmarriages.com/keynotes.html

• “The Five Languages of Apology” Gary Chapman – Banquet keynote
- Tues, July 7, 6:30pm, Co-hosted by Fireproof Marriage Ministries

Our Five Languages of Apologies- For Employees Too!

Have you ever had someone apologize to you but you questioned their sincerity? Have you ever asked yourself ‘why?’ It’s probably because they did not speak your apology language. They said, “I’m sorry.” But what you wanted to hear was, “I was wrong.” They said, “Will you forgive me?” But what you wanted to hear was, “What can I do to make this right?”  After three years of surveys, we have concluded that there are five basic elements to an apology. We have titled them the five languages of apology. Each person has a primary apology language, and one of the five speaks more deeply to them emotionally than the other four. The danger is that if you don’t speak their language, they may consider your apology insincere.

Here are our five key languages of apology:

1. Expressing Regret:  Say, “I’m sorry.  I feel badly about what I did.” Show that you understand how your actions affected them.  Expressing an understanding of the pain caused by your offense.  Be specific.  Remove the emotional barrier in your relationship by conveying your deep sorrow about your actions.

2. Accepting Responsibility:  Say, “I was wrong.”  “It was my fault.” Resist the temptation to blame others, excuse your actions, or deny responsibility for the offense.  If you can fully shoulder the responsibility for the offense, gaining forgiveness will be much easier.

3. Making Restitution:  Ask, “What can I do to make it right?” Offer to restore the other person to their prior status by reclaiming their reputation, providing resources for restoration, or taking steps to rebuild their trust.

4. Genuinely Repenting:  Make this commitment: “I’ll try not to do that again.” Engage in problem-solving to prevent a similar offense from occurring in the future.  Follow up with a credible action plan.

5. Requesting Forgiveness:  Ask, “Will you please forgive me?” Realize that some people won’t believe you are really trying to make things right until you humbly ask for their forgiveness.  In their mind, it is your willingness to give up your control and put the future of the relationship in their hands that conveys your sincerity.

If you don’t know what others are looking for you to do, you will feel frustrated and won’t know how to proceed.  The problem is not your sincere affection or remorse; it’s that you may not be speaking their language.  Arm yourself with these practical tips.  Speaking the right language to your partner, friends, and co-workers can boost all these vital relationships.

Chapman’s Five Love Languages- For Employees Too!

Vital Statistic #1:  What is your love language? We all have a language of love and getting it right may determine the success of your relationship. Gary Chapman, best-selling author of greater than two dozen books, indicates that at the heart of all relationships and marriages is the same core need – all people want to feel loved. Providing love in a way our partner can receive it is one key to a happy marriage.   Outside of love relationships, providing appreciation in a way employees can receive it is essential to retention.

Chapman identifies five key languages of love/appreciation:

Words of affirmation: Verbal recognition and appreciation goes a long way if this is your primary language of love. “I love the way you do that”, “You outdid yourself” and a simple “well done”, are all examples of verbal affirmations.

Quality time: This is about spending quality time with your partner or employees. If quality time is your love language, then you want to engage in quality, interesting time with others. This can be as simple as a conversation where you are able to express your thoughts and feelings.  This may also cross over into spending quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether it’s goal-driven or simply for recreation.

Receiving gifts: Some people respond well to visual symbols of love/appreciation. If this is the case for you or your partner or employees, then it is the easiest one to address. The gifts do not need to be expensive as long as they are thoughtful.

Acts of service: This can be as simple as helping with items on their to-do list. It’s important to remember it needs to be acts of service they will appreciate, not the ones you want to do. If your partner hates to sweep, then collect every last crumb rather than selecting an easier chore.  In the workplace, cleaning up the coffee counter may delight the person to whom that duty usually falls.

Physical touch: Some people feel most loved when receiving physical touch. This can be as simple as a touch on the arm or a hug. It is important to understand what type of touch is the love language for your partner.  In friendships and in the workplace, meaningful physical touch might include a pat on the back or a warm handshake.

Coming up: Looking into The Five Languages of Apology