IT’S HARD TO SAY ‘I’M SORRY’: Helping Kids Learn the Art of Apology

Professional counselor Michele Ranard posted this about our book on her blog today.

Time Magazine Article on Public Apologies by Nancy Gibbs

In a recent issue of Time Magazine (3/18/2009), columnist Nancy Gibbs wrote a comprehensive piece entitled”The Lost Art of Saying I’m Sorry”.

The only comment I would add to Gibbs’ insightful piece is this:  Having more apologies would be BETTER and having apologies that touch people who are listening for different parts of an apology would be BEST.  According to research that Gary Chapman and I conducted for our book, The Five Languages of Apology, people look for 5 different things in apologies and no single phrase really touched more than 28% of the people in our sample.

A Customer Service Apology by Google: 3 out of 5 stars

———- Forwarded message ———-

From: The Google Apps Team

Date: Thu, Feb 26, 2009 at 1:37 AM

Subject: Google Apps Update: February 24 Outage Postmortem

To: (Name omitted.  I received this group e-mail from the business manager of a local private school).

Dear Google Apps customer, Between approximately 9AM to 12PM GMT / 1AM to 4AM PST on Tuesday, February 24, 2009, some Google Apps mail users were unable to access their accounts. The actual outage period varied by user because the recovery process was executed in stages. No data was lost during this time. The root cause of the problem was a software bug that caused an unexpected service disruption during the course of a routine maintenance event. The root cause of this unexpected service disruption has been found and fixed. Additional Details A few months ago, new software was implemented to optimize data center functionality to make more efficient use of Google’s computing resources, as well as to achieve faster system performance for users. Google’s software is designed to allow maintenance work to be done in data centers without affecting users. User traffic that could potentially be impacted by a maintenance event is directed towards another instance of the service. On Tuesday, February 24, 2009, an unexpected service disruption occurred during a routine maintenance event in a data center. In this particular case, users were directed towards an alternate data center in preparation for the maintenance tasks, but the new software that optimizes the location of user data had the unexpected side effect of triggering a latent bug in the Google Mail code. The bug caused the destination data center to become overloaded when users were directed to it, and which in turn caused multiple downstream overload conditions as user traffic was automatically shifted in response to the failures. Google engineers acted quickly to re-balance load across data centers to restore users’ access. This process took some time to complete. The recently launched Apps Status Dashboard includes greater detail on this February 24th incident, including actions we are taking to continually improve performance. For a direct link to this Incident Report, visit http://www.google.com/appsstatus/ir/1nsexcr2jnrj1d6.pdf (English only). For ongoing service performance information, please access the Apps Status Dashboard at http://www.google.com/appsstatus (English only). We are very sorry for the inconvenience that this incident has caused. We understand that system problems are inconvenient and frustrating for customers who have come to rely on our products to do many different things. One of Google’s core values is to focus on the user, so we are working very hard to make improvements to our technology and operational processes so as to prevent service disruptions. We are confident that we will achieve continuous improvements quickly and persistently. Once again, we apologize for the impact that this incident has caused. Thank you very much for your continued support. Sincerely, The Google Apps Team Email preferences: You have received this mandatory email service announcement to update you about important changes to your Google Apps product or account. Google, Inc. 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway Mountain View, CA 94043

Dr. Jen’s Analysis:  Google was proactive in offering this apology.  It includes nice statements of regret for the problem, acceptance of responsibility, and a commitment to preventing similar problems in the future.  The original recipient of this message was pleasantly surprised enough about receiving this apology and he felt moved to send it to me for my apology files.  Thank you!

Madoff’s Apology: 2 out of 5 stars

Bernard L. Madoff (pronounced like ‘Made-Off’ with the money) was taken to jail today after pleading guilty to running a multibillion-dollar Ponzi scheme.

The Chicago Tribune included these quotes:

A contrite Madoff said he was deeply sorry for the Ponzi scheme, which he said began in the 1990s during an economic downturn. He said he felt “compelled” to get results “at any cost” and began to send out false statements.

“I am actually grateful for this opportunity to publicly comment about my crimes, for which I am deeply sorry and ashamed,” Madoff said. “As the years went by, I realized my risk and this day would inevitably come. I cannot adequately express how sorry I am for my crimes.”

Madoff took full responsibility for what federal officials say was a $65-billion fraud.

Madoff is due to be sentenced on 6/16/09

Dr. Jen’s Analysis:  Madoff’s crime is enormous.  I’ve watched this issue closely, as my husband is an investment advisor (CFA, CFP).  Madoff’s apology is heaviest on expressing emotional regret.  He also managed to avoid shifting the blame.  According to quotes in the media, he has not yet requested forgiveness, made restitution, or taken steps of repentance.  Far from spreading the blame, he seems to be trying to ‘go down alone.’  Will it work?  Only time will tell…

To his many victims, I am so sorry for your losses.  I work for a non-profit agency and I feel extra sadness for the charitable groups who have lost their funds that were designated to provide care for others.

Picking Cotton

Click here to read a surprising tale of forgiveness that was recently featured on NPR.

I understand that this improbable pair who have written a book about their journey live in the town in which I practice counseling:  Winston-Salem, NC.

Jane Fonda’s Statements of Regret: 3 out of 5 stars

News reports indicate that this week, about twelve Vietnam veterans and other protesters picketed the theater Broadway theater where Jane Fonda,  71, is starring in the Broadway play “33 Variations,”

In 1988, Fonda admitted to former American POWs and their families that she had some regrets, saying this in a 1988 interview with Barbara Walters:

“I would like to say something, not just to Vietnam veterans in New England, but to men who were in Vietnam, who I hurt, or whose pain I caused to deepen because of things that I said or did. I was trying to help end the killing and the war, but there were times when I was thoughtless and careless about it and I’m very sorry that I hurt them. And I want to apologize to them and their families…. I will go to my grave regretting the photograph of me in an anti-aircraft gun, which looks like I was trying to shoot at American planes. It hurt so many soldiers. It galvanized such hostility. It was the most horrible thing I could possibly have done. It was just thoughtless…”

My analysis:  Many people want to bury their youthful mistakes.  I must say that I admire Fonda’s willingness to discuss this hot topic and admit her errors.  Having visited the American Embassy in Vietnam, myself, in 1996, I know first-hand the importance of honoring our soldiers for their sacrifices in that troubled region.  I’ve awarded 3 stars for Fonda’s 1988 apology.  In that statement, she did an exceptionally good job of expressing her regrets and admitting her mistakes.  In a sign of sincere repentance, she looked towards the future and indicated that she will always carry the burden of her mistakes with her.

Postscript:

Fonda added this update (17 years later) with some new qualifications:

In a 60 Minutes interview on March 31, 2005, Fonda reiterated that she had no regrets about her trip to North Vietnam in 1972, with the exception of the anti-aircraft gun photo. She stated that the incident was a “betrayal” of American forces and of the “country that gave me privilege”. Fonda said, “The image of Jane Fonda, Barbarella, Henry Fonda’s daughter … sitting on an enemy aircraft gun was a betrayal … the largest lapse of judgment that I can even imagine.” She later distinguished between regret over the use of her image as propaganda and pride for her anti-war activism: “There are hundreds of American delegations that had met with the POWs. Both sides were using the POWs for propaganda… It’s not something that I will apologize for.” Fonda said she had no regrets about the broadcasts she made on Radio Hanoi, something she asked the North Vietnamese to do: “Our government was lying to us and men were dying because of it, and I felt I had to do anything that I could to expose the lies and help end the war.”